Previously I talked about how the Modern Parenting Mindset (compassionate parenting) differs from authoritarian and permissive parenting. Here I will answer the question of what is the Modern Parenting Mindset?
At the heart, it is a belief that a joyful life can be lived in tandem by parent and child.
The strategy to live joyfully together is using listening, empathy, and compassion in actions and communications. We can simply go back to the Golden Rule espoused by so many different religions and spiritual practices. In the Christian Bible, the rule is “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
Instead of reward and punishment, there is problem-solving and compromise. Each problem has an unlimited number of solutions and the solution that is right for each parent and child will be unique to them and their relationship.
The Modern Parenting Mindset is extremely simple – treat your children the way you would like to be treated.
In authoritarian parenting, the child’s actions are viewed as “right” or “wrong.” In modern parenting, they “are.” Behavior is how a child communicates their feelings and needs.
For example, let’s take a pre-schooler having a tantrum in the store because they want a toy. This happens every time they go to the store. In authoritarian parenting, the child’s action is wrong. The parent might say, “the child knows better” – they have been told they won’t get the toy and we believe they are trying to manipulate us with their tears and yelling. We demand them to stop crying. Maybe they will stop if we threaten to cut the shopping trip short, spank them for crying in public, or threaten that they won’t get TV at home because of the meltdown.
With the Modern Parenting Mindset we acknowledge that the child is having big feelings about this toy. If we want to provide peace for others in the store, we might take the child outside or to the car so the child can fully express how sad they are. We acknowledge that it is normal and healthy for children to express their feelings even when it is hard for us to understand or empathize with their feelings.
This approach is healthier for the child because they are allowing the full cycle of feelings. It is healthier for the relationship because the child feels heard and the adult provides compassion for themselves. And it ultimately takes less time and energy because when the cycle is allowed to complete, there is less likelihood of continual battles hour after hour.
We use both body language and verbal communication to express empathy. We trust that the child is processing the feelings in the way their body needs. Maybe the feelings being expressed aren’t just about the toy, maybe it is other stressors in their life that are being expressed along with being bummed out they aren’t getting the toy. The child has a legitimate perspective of their own and that is what they are expressing with their behavior at the moment.
All behaviors are believed to be expressions of feelings and needs. Some behaviors won’t be appropriate, such as hitting or throwing a hard object. With small children, we gently and physically prevent hurtful behavior the best we can (such as blocking a hit). With all children, we approach them lovingly and help to make amends if they have hurt someone.
Although the concept of treating others the way we want to be treated is easy, it is hard to always be a “Steady Eddie” for our children. In The Modern Parenting Mindset, we parents sometimes feel angry or scared. These are legitimate feelings coming up in us from beliefs and past experiences. Our greatest moments of personal growth can occur at this time. These moments teach us where we have developed false limits in our belief system that block the flow of life energy and create anger.
Instead of reacting to our anger or fear by lecturing or punishing our child, we each personally work to identify and relieve our limiting beliefs so we can be present and attentive with our children without judgment. When we need help on this journey, coaches and therapists who specialize in modern parenting can help.
The Modern Parenting Mindset is the practice of accepting and being with our children in a beautiful place where we can both learn and grow together.
Holly Storm is a parent of two lovely boys. She helps thoughtful parents communicate and connect with their children. Holly is a certified parent coach through the Jai Institute.