Have you ever felt like your small child is manipulating you?
Recently a parent came to me who was concerned that her six-year-old was manipulating her. When she told him “no,” he would cry and tantrum trying to get his way.
Children will go to extremes to get what they want. They will look straight in our eye as they drop food on the floor or maybe even swing the opposite direction and bat their eyelashes and be extra sweet. It can be frustrating and exhausting.
When we believe these behaviors are manipulation, we put our children in a position of power. Giving our children that power puts us in a defensive mode. We might experience this as a feeling of putting up our hackles where our shoulders become tense and the adrenaline starts flowing.
Our thoughts move to the way things “should be,” or “shouldn’t be.” Residual feelings from our experiences as children in this situation can crop up and add fuel to the fire. We might dish out lectures or punishments trying to get the behavior to stop, and we buckle down in our decision to show them who’s boss.
No one wants to be a doormat and have their kids walk all over them. We don’t want them to be “spoiled little brats,” or have them think they can always get their way.
Let’s take a moment to view this from the child’s perspective. They go into a store and see everything is bright and shiny and colorful. Everything is stimulating! Their brain is likely to release dopamine, making them feel even more alert and excited. They want to take some of this excitement home with them! We have likely experienced these feelings ourselves when we shop.
Then Mom or Dad says, “no, we aren’t buying anything for you today.” The child’s mood quickly switches to sad and disappointed. They likely feel a lack of independence because their opinion was not considered. They are a person, shouldn’t their opinion count? Why is their parent’s opinion more valuable than theirs? (again from the child’s perspective).
Frequently this isn’t the only need the child has at that moment. Maybe they need to pee (a common need for one of my children) or perhaps the child is tired, hungry, or they have built a story in their brain that they, “never get what they want.” Even something less immediate like a change in the family, having a new sibling, or a difference in schedule can affect their behavior. Each of these needs exacerbates their feelings.
The previous energy in their body that was excitement is now sadness and pain. The child releases big tears of emotion. They may speak in a whine because that is how the voice comes out when the throat constricts with crying. They might hit in anger or frustration at not having independence.
Every one of these behaviors is rooted in the feelings and needs of the child. Yes, they are trying to get what they want. Yes, their behaviors are annoying and maybe even hurtful. No, I wouldn’t call this manipulation because it is not an adult’s conniving, deliberate, twisting of events to get their way.
The child’s emotions are an authentic, heartfelt reaction to the experience they are having at the moment.
When we can empathize with the child’s viewpoint, we can see they aren’t manipulating us. The manipulation we feel is coming from inside of us. It is coming from our unmet needs. Maybe it is a trigger from our childhood and how our parents interacted with us in the store. Perhaps feelings of insecurity or uncertainty of our parenting. We could feel tired or unsupported and this expression of whining and sadness from our child seems unjustified and unfair and puts us over the edge.
What we need are resources; we need the skills of self-compassion and identifying our needs. As parents, it is common to think we have to live with a certain amount of suffering. It is common to believe that we cannot feel whole and complete as parents. That is false.
Our lives have changed, and it is likely we no longer have time to do all of the activities that we previously did to relieve stress and gain energy. However, there is an infinite number of ways to fuel our internal resources. Some of these strategies take no time at all.
We can incorporate refueling strategies into our daily habits. When we do, we can hold compassion for ourselves and our children in these moments of frustration. With compassion in our hearts, we can then practice listening and connecting skills that allow these moments to deepen our relationship with each other instead of drawing us apart. The power struggle dissipates, along with the tantrum.