It was 5:30 AM and I was again comforting my older son as he continually vomited. Over and over it became our morning ritual from 4:30 to 6 every day. The doctor diagnosed him with a condition that is basically childhood migraines. I knew there was something else wrong. It was rooted in anxiety.
Our afternoons, meanwhile, were rough. I was often tense with fear. Our older son had little to no tolerance for things that made him sad or angry. He would switch on a dime into fighting mode each afternoon and start hitting and kicking us or his brother when he became unhappy. Anything within reach was used to hit or thrown across the room. In self-preservation, I would end up in a sweat holding his little body in mine so he couldn’t hit, kick, and throw things at family members. It would only be afterward that I realized I used a little too much force because I was so angry and afraid. Worst of all, his little brother was starting to imitate this behavior.
We believed all of this was rooted in anxiety. We had our son start seeing a psychologist for anxiety and she came up with a long list of other issues that may be involved. We continued seeing her even though progress seemed to be slow to non-existent.
Months went on. Nearly every day we would be up with our son at 4:30 while he made regular visits to the bathroom. And we would comfort him. Nearly every afternoon there was time spent trying to control him and his outbursts.
The more I endured these daily events, I could see our connection fading. He would storm off to his room and not speak to us. He just wanted to be alone.
I was worried about how we would endure our time together. I was worried our older son would significantly hurt his brother, and I wouldn’t leave them alone together. I felt resentment for the sleep I missed in the mornings and the time I spent wrestling him in the afternoon.
That is when an offer came through to enter a parent coaching program where I would get coached. I didn’t think I needed coaching, but the other part of the program was becoming a parent coach. That appealed to me, so I signed on. By this time, I had already read many books and blogs about gentle parenting and didn’t think there was much more I could do as a parent to change my relationship with my kids. I thought I parented as gently as possible, and my son was an exception with extreme issues.
In the very first week I was coached, there were immediate shifts. They were subtle, but I could see where I had previously stumbled in my connection with my kids. I learned to listen in a way that the kids truly felt heard. They were finally able to genuinely express themselves and their emotions that were locked-up in their little bodies.
Throughout my 10-week coaching experience, things became better and better. My mindset about myself and my family changed. We all experienced more joyful moments as a family. With these changes and only two visits for acupressure, the vomiting disappeared forever.
I was near the end of the course and the outbursts hadn’t completely gone away. It was then that my coach reminded me that I am the expert regarding my child. By that point, I had the knowledge and communication skills to problem-solve and work with my son on solutions. We figured out the triggers, we made changes together, and the tantrums were virtually non-existent within a week.
It turns out my son didn’t need fixing. I did. I was unconsciously fueling the troubling behaviors, and I was the one who needed to change.
I learned to identify feelings and needs and how to communicate them in a respectful way. I learned the power of being present-in-the-moment and how to actually do that. And most importantly, there was a mindset shift that allowed me to stay calm and relaxed on the inside and out when my children were upset. My upset had previously fueled their fire. This realization was a revolution.
When I changed to be the calm (on the inside), compassionate, and confident parent my children needed, their behaviors changed. They are still healthy children with a broad range of feelings and expressions. What has changed is my response. In turn, that has changed their response – how they express their unhappiness, their willingness to do what I ask of them, and how we problem-solve when something goes wrong.
Perhaps the most significant gift of getting coached is what has changed in me. My BEing – the way I am in the world and how I show up with my kids – is very different. Life, which previously had many stressors, is now a joy. Every day. My newly adopted calm has been commented on by friends, family, and even a grocery store clerk. My kids rarely trigger me, and I recognize it and deal with it differently when it happens. My perspective of my kids and on life has changed. I feel happier and freer than ever before. I don’t have shame or resentment. I have a mindset of acceptance that wasn’t possible previously.
We are far from perfect. After all, parenting is a practice, not something to perfect. There are times when I inadvertently go back to old habits — like giving commands. There are times when I let my feelings get in the way of connecting with my kids. There are, at times, tremendous tantrums – mostly by the kids.
I am happy to say I no longer get flustered even when the kids do. I hold sincere gratitude for this journey. Being with my family is now a place I truly enjoy.
Holly Storm is a parent of two lovely boys. She helps thoughtful parents communicate and connect with their children. Holly is a certified parent coach through the Jai Institute.