I exhaled and listened with my eyes closed as my son ran to his room. His feet pounded the hallway and the door slammed shut with a swoosh and a crash. I heard the all-too-familiar sounds of paper flying up from the wind of the door and the door key crashing to the wood hallway from its place atop the door-frame.
We had a disconnect.
In our time with our kids, there will be points of disconnection. Maybe it is a disagreement; maybe it is one person being hurt emotionally by the other. Sometimes children and teens have interests or opinions that just don’t resonate with us. When these events become common, we may feel an overwhelming disconnection with our family instead of connection. Our family may no longer feel comforting – our home may not feel like our home.
Each of us chose to raise our children because we wanted the unique relationship those human beings bring. It is truly a unique and beautiful relationship that we have the gift of experiencing with each of our children.
As parents, we are in a powerful position. We get to be the creators of connection with our children. We are the leaders in our relationship with them.
How do we do this when children are insistent that we cannot agree, or when they have vastly different interests from us? How can we connect when we feel so alone and separate from our children?
We use the language of connection – the language of listening, feelings, and needs.
It can be so simple and so powerful. Allow me to explain.
As humans, we can all relate through feelings. We each experience anger, sadness, excitement, joy, and countless other emotions. When we share our feelings with each other, we share our vulnerability. We open ourselves to relating with each other in a common experience. That common experience is the feeling. It isn’t necessary to feel the same feeling at the same time. Connection happens when we understand someone’s feelings and can hold space and compassion for it in our hearts.
As humans, we can also all relate to having needs. We each need safety, autonomy, support, certainty, novelty – the list goes on. These are all things we can relate to regardless of having different cultures, experiences, opinions, or ages.
When we bring these two concepts together – connecting through feelings and needs – we can develop a close, connected relationship. We can feel a deep connection even if we have different interests or strategies to solve a problem.
If we believe our children aren’t able or aren’t willing to connect with us, then our hearts aren’t truly open to listening. As adults, we hold power and get to create that connection. Those feelings of disconnection are the signal that it is time to take a look deep inside. It is time to heal those deep misplaced beliefs and past hurts so we can open up to the connection waiting for us.
The language of connection is something that is learned and practiced. It is typically awkward at first. Over time, it develops flow and consistency. In my work with clients, we practice these skills and dive deep into what is holding us back from an authentic connection.
The feeling of connection with our children starts with us. When we do the work on our end, it is right there waiting.
Holly Storm is a parent of two lovely boys. She helps thoughtful parents communicate and connect with their children. Holly is a certified parent coach through the Jai Institute.