Holding space is the gift of time.

On this rainy, dreary morning in Colorado the mother of one of Blue’s preschool classmates passed away.

I didn’t know the mother at all, nor the child. From what I heard, she was a beautiful woman with a touching presence who participated greatly in the community. All who knew her were very, very sad.

As I stood in this group of women mourning their friend that I didn’t know, I wondered to myself what I was doing. Did I have a right to be there? After all, I didn’t know the family.

That’s when I realized, yes I there was a purpose in being there. My purpose was to hold space and show support.

Holding space is a special gift we can give to those we encounter. Whether it is a child or adult, it is allowing someone to feel their feelings and leaving space for those feelings, whatever the feelings might be.

In our society it has become almost taboo to have feelings that are the opposite of happy and “finding the bright side”. It is those same unpleasant feelings, though, that add fullness to life. Sadness emboldens happiness; sorrow emboldens joy; loss emboldens life. All of these feelings are a normal part of human life and when we accept them and allow ourselves to feel them, we are more whole, more human, and ultimately more fulfilled.

So how do you hold space? Glad you asked. Holding space is being present instead of offering presents. It is not offering words of comfort, trying to make someone feel better, relating your own story, asking questions, or buying a gift card or flowers. Many times it is better if you don’t speak at all.

Holding space is being with someone with the intention of creating a safe space for vulnerability. It is accompanying someone through the big feelings they are having – either on the phone or by their side. It is building in time and space for those feelings to be felt without judgement and without anyone trying to change the feelings. It is offering a hug or holding a hand only if those actions are wanted and allowing yourself to just be there and be fully attentive if it isn’t. It is providing compassion by witnessing rather than participating.

Holding space is being there.