My son said, “Acceptance. I need acceptance.”
This moment felt like a miracle. It took two years of working diligently with feelings and needs for this moment. My son could finally, verbally, tell me what he needed when he was upset.
During that time, tremendous tantrums with kicking, hitting, and throwing became more subtle to the point where my son would run to his room in anger, lightly hit or punch, or jab towards someone. Eventually, the words started coming.
We are always telling kids to “use your words”, but using words to communicate feelings and needs is much more complicated than it sounds. Many adults, myself included, need to intentionally learn and practice this skill for some time before we can actually use it in-the-moment.
The journey began with me. I received coaching and learned to feel my feelings instead of numbing them by “doing” all of the time. Through being coached, I learned various social-emotional skills. These skills were many of the same ones my kids were learning in school. But, when we were kids, social-emotional language was not valued or taught.
As I began to translate my emotions into feelings and needs, I became less triggered personally and more transparent in my communication. Reducing my triggers in itself prevented some tantrums in my kids before they would have started.
The process and my newfound skills allowed me to start coaching my kids in social-emotional learning. When they were sad or upset, we would sit with their feelings. We allowed them time to figure out what they were feeling and then try to figure out what need was not being met. The kids let me do this because they saw me doing it. It is only when I modeled that they were open to following through with the process.
My younger son was three when I started this process. By the time he was four and a fluid speaker, he would regularly tell me his needs. It startled me the first time I heard him articulate that he was mad because he needed attention. He was extremely clear about what he needed and has continued to be.
My older son took more time. At seven, he had already been numbing his feelings with books for many years. Anytime he was upset he would grab a book and hide in his room. He rarely cried. The journey for him to be willing to feel feelings and identify needs was much longer. First, he had to feel safe to feel. It is scary to feel when we have numbed feelings for a long time. Then he needed to test the waters of letting feelings process. Only when he felt protected and safe was he able to start crying. That in itself felt like an achievement.
No longer were the feelings getting held inside – they were finally able to start releasing. It took more time still before my son could translate his feelings into needs. (The process can be confusing even for adults.) So when his expression showed anger, and he was able to tell us, “I need acceptance,” I felt such enormous gratitude that we could share together in understanding. This communication brought connection in-the-moment. It brought an opportunity not only to soothe his pain, but to really understand how he needs to be treated to honor his inner soul.
Holly Storm is the parent of two lovely boys. She helps thoughtful parents communicate and connect with their children. Holly is a certified parent coach through the Jai Institute.