It’s dizzying. There seem to be so many parenting styles and methods and programs. Every day or so a new or different one pops up with the latest “fix”.
You may be asking yourself – Are there truly hundreds of different ways to parent? Can there really be that many different strategies? What is the difference between the methods?
My purpose for this post is to help clarify the information you may be seeing, as it can often be contradictory and overwhelming.
Parenting as a practice is as unique as the relationship between each parent and each child. Every person is different and so is every parent-child relationship. That being said, the majority of popular and practiced parenting methods can be narrowed down to 4 simple categories.
Parenting Models
1. Authoritarian (Autocratic)
2. Permissive Neglect
3. Permissive Indulgent
4. Compassionate (Democratic/Authoritative) [spoiler alert! – this is what I support]
Authoritarian Parenting
Most parenting methods can be described as authoritarian (or autocratic). Authoritarian is described by the Oxford Dictionary as, “favoring or enforcing strict obedience to authority, especially that of the government, at the expense of personal freedom.”
Applied as a parenting model, a parent (autocrat) has supreme authority over their children. Sound familiar? If you are an adult reading this it is likely you were brought up by authoritarian parents. It’s also prevalent in popular movies and superhero stories – the good guys beat the bad guys and punish them. In the workplace, the boss has authority over their workers. And in schools teachers lord over students.
Fear, punishment, and consequences are used by authoritarian parents to maintain control. This can involve loss of privilege, time out, spanking, or grounding. Parents often use commands like “stop crying”, “get your jacket on”, or “brush it off” — and expect children to obey. The child is considered a lesser and not an equal to the parent. When problems arise there are limited solutions – there is always a winner and a loser, and the parent almost always wins.
A child with authoritarian parents often learns to identify themselves as a bad person or a good person. This can result in a child who gives up and plays the part of a “bad kid” or a “perfect” child who feels they will not be loved if they make a mistake.
The main challenge of the authoritarian model is that the parent is the police and the judge. The parent’s job is to catch the child when they do something wrong and then punish them. As you can imagine power plays erupt when parents are in this authoritarian role.
By definition, punishment is designed to cause shame, pain, or otherwise cause discomfort for the child. A child naturally does not like being punished and will resist. When one punishment no longer is effective the parent then needs to find other methods to continue to show their authority over the child. The authoritarian model works until the child is too big to be imposed upon by the parent.
The authoritarian model can set the stage for an older child/teen that feels the need to rebel against authority or submit to authority because their will is not valued.
Permissive Parenting – Neglect and Indulgent
Next, we turn to permissive parenting. You may be saying to yourself “Well, we can skip this. I’m definitely not permissive.” We know that for many parents the words “permissive parenting” bring the angst of defensiveness. This is understandable. In our society permissiveness is often judged as the weakest way to parent. It may be thought that only parents without confidence choose the permissiveness path.
In reality, most parents fluctuate between the authoritarian and permissive models. It happens like this. We get so frustrated and exhausted trying to police our kids and maintain authority that we give up and become permissive. It is very likely each of us has practiced permissive parenting during our journey.
Within the permissive parenting model, there are generally two types: neglect and indulgent.
The permissive neglect type is in effect when a parent is not present in a way that feels hurtful to the child (or, to an extreme, puts the child in harm’s way).
We have all used the permissive neglect model when we completely ignore our kids. We are tired of their whining and ignore them. We are tired of their rowdiness so we give up and just let them do what they are going to do. We might say “boys will be boys!”. Other times we let the kids “work it out” when they fight, even when it gets rough and tumble.
We may even, completely unintentionally, neglect our kids by being on our phones continuously, or otherwise occupied with work or a sibling with special needs. Lastly, we may not have received that care and attention ourselves as children, it may be hard for us mentally and emotionally to be there for our kids.
Ongoing permissive parenting is harmful primarily because we miss the opportunity for connection and discussion that children need to thrive. At times of neglect, it leaves children vulnerable. They are vulnerable to their environment or the will of others that are bigger or stronger than they. Or vulnerable to the influence of other children or adults that are seeking un-watched children to get their adult needs met.
Yes, children need independence. Intentional caring adults can create opportunities and boundaries for this independence while minimizing risk to the kids.
The second type of permissive parenting is indulgent. Think of Veruca Salt from the film Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Indulgence means pleasing the child at a cost to ourselves or to the child. It gives the authority to the child. Crying or hurtful behavior is the consequence to the parent if the parent does not submit.
We have all done this. We are tired of hearing the crying, so we cave and give them what they want. We give the child the lollipop or let them watch more than enough TV, even though we know they will become a monster because of it.
When we practice permissive indulgent parenting regularly it closes off opportunities for kids to learn to accept the discomforts of life. They do not get to learn the skills of discussion and compromise and to learn the skill of considering the needs of others. They are taught their needs are more important than other’s needs. When problems arise there are limited solutions – there is always a winner and a loser, and the child almost always wins.
Compassionate Parenting (or Modern Parenting Mindset)
Lastly is compassionate parenting. (My personal favorite!) At it’s most simple, this approach involves following the Golden Rule popular in many religions and expressed in the Bible as – “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” When we follow this guidance we pause, we listen, and we self-reflect to better understand our needs when we get triggered by our children.
We intentionally have space in our day together for communication and being together.
Everyone’s feelings and needs are taken into consideration and solutions come from everyone’s input. When problems arise there are limitless solutions – there are no winners or losers. There is compromise.
Fear, punishment, and consequences are not used by compassionate parents to maintain control. Parents respect the child as a whole being with their own outlook and opinions in life. We allow children to be different from us and make different decisions within boundaries (not specific rules) we set for safety and moral guidance.
When compassionate parenting is practiced regularly, children gain confidence and problem-solving skills. They show respect and kindness to others because they model what they have experienced. Gentle guidance is given by holding boundaries and problem-solving together. Other common names for compassionate parenting are peaceful parenting, conscious parenting, democratic parenting, authoritative parenting and connected parenting. For me, I think of it as the Modern Parenting Mindset.
In my next posts, I will dive into why I chose compassionate parenting, what advantages I believe it brings to the family and to children, and what is the Modern Parenting Mindset.
Holly Storm is a parent of two lovely boys. She helps thoughtful parents communicate and connect with their children. Holly is a certified parent coach through the Jai Institute.