This is a story from one of the first times I used calm and empathy with my kids when they fought. They no longer fight so much and they play together more.

Last night, the boys were fighting. They were both tired and Blue walked into Red’s space chewing on a Starburst. Red snapped, as tired seven-year-old’s do. Words were exchanged, then Red punched Blue in the sternum making him fall into some toys. Then there were tears. Lots of tears.

After months of doing a parenting course and coach training, I was able to approach this differently. I used empathy.

First came Blue, who was hurt and crying. I picked him up and we went to his room to cuddle and connect. I told the story as I understood it and Blue corrected me. I asked for his feelings which were, “sad,” and I asked if there were more feelings, giving him some options. He said, “scared.” I summed up the story and acknowledged that he felt sad and scared. He confirmed, stopped crying, and cuddled in seemingly cherishing the moment. After a bit, it needed to come to an end because there was another party that also needed some empathy.

Many people don’t believe in giving the aggressor empathy. “They need a good swat,” or “They need more discipline – that will teach ‘em.” But studies have shown that what you model is what you receive. If I want my little man to learn to control himself and use his words in that moment, I need to control myself and use my words. I need to lean in, dive deep, and help him figure out what is triggering him. We can’t solve a problem by using punishment as a Band-Aid. The trigger of outbursts isn’t Red being naughty, intentionally disrespecting, or being mean. The triggers are either more simple like hunger or sleep needs, or much deeper like jealousy or fear.

I went into the room with Red. Red had completely calmed down and was playing with a toy, so it seemed like a good time to ask him what was going on. He told his story. I listened. I repeated back what he told me. By repeating it back, I showed empathy. I was focusing on hearing his feelings and needs. I asked how he was feeling, what was going on in his body. He was feeling angry and tired and needed space. I gently reminded him he isn’t allowed to touch his brother when he is feeling angry because sometimes he doesn’t realize he is touching too hard. This came as a surprise to him, “not even touch him?” “No,” I said. “In your anger, your touch is often much harder than you intend.” This seemed to click for him. He knows his options in these situations, so we didn’t review. “It’s okay to cry,” I said. “Why did you say that?” he asked. “Because you told me when you are angry I should remind you it is okay to cry,” I said. He smiled.

I don’t think we are out of the weeds of sibling fighting, but I think that last night, we took one baby step closer to Red being able to control himself next time. I also think they each left our conversations feeling loved and when they each feel loved, they are more likely to get along.