My older son was about four when I decided to lock all of his toys away in a closet. I was so tired. And he wouldn’t help with clean-up, so I decided locking his toys away was a fair consequence. I tried to prevent him from playing – I thought he should feel the weight of not having toys because he wouldn’t help.
It didn’t work.
It turns out trying to keep a four-year-old from playing is not so possible. First, he got into the recycling and then the kitchen cabinets. Toys were not necessary for play.
So, I put out just a few toys at a time – after all, cleaning up toys was easier than cleaning up the whole kitchen. It wasn’t long before he broke the lock on the door to the toy closet.
I was angry. Not only did my consequence not teach him to clean up his toys, it put me into a state of frustration and exhaustion trying to enforce it.
Consequences only work when we can make our kids abide by them. As kids grow up, there is less we can do to make our kids suffer when they do something we don’t like.
Some of us might have fun memories of getting away with stuff as teens. But is this what we want our teens to do? Do we want them to hide what they are doing? Do we want them to feel alone and like they can’t ask for help?
When we use punishment and consequences, the natural reaction for teens (and many times even younger kids) is to rebel. When kids rebel against their parents, there are power struggles. Power struggles bring exhaustion, frustration, and worry. When we are stuck in a world of policing with punishments and consequences, it is unlikely that we will be experiencing a lot of joy.
There is another option.
No, it’s not locking teens away so nothing happens to them. We don’t need to. Instead, it is creating a relationship built on trust. With trust, we aren’t so worried. Our children and teens can learn our morals and values, and they can maintain autonomy.
That doesn’t mean we will always see eye to eye with our teen. It does mean that they will likely respect us and our opinion. They may even ask for our opinion (gasp!) and they won’t be sticking a dummy in their bed in order to sneak out (right, Ferris?).
Last week I talked about the Modern Parenting Mindset. Today I’m giving eight reasons why it works.
1. Children feel heard – One of the biggest differences between the Modern Parenting Mindset and traditional parenting is that parents listen. It is no longer the job of the child to sit and listen to us tantrum lecture. It is our job to compassionately listen to our child and clarify what they are saying so we deeply understand their point of view. When children feel heard it builds their trust, respect, and confidence.
2. Parents feel heard – Even though our job is to listen, we still need to attend to our own feelings and needs. An important component of building trust, compassion, and moral guidance in our children is sharing our feelings and needs. We don’t do this in a way that might weigh them down – our feelings are not their burden to bear. We do it in a way that connects our feelings to our values and what we are requesting of our child. “Your shoes are in front of the door and I’m worried someone might trip when they walk in. Will you please put them in the shoe rack next time?”
3. Everyone feels respected – When everyone’s feelings and needs are heard, they each feel respected. When we show our children the respect of understanding their point of view, they show us the respect of listening and often doing what we ask.
4. Everyone experiences autonomy – Autonomy is primarily experienced when no one is judging our opinion. Most of the time after deeply listening to our child and expressing our feelings and needs, we can work together to come to an agreement. Since both parties have input and we don’t judge the other’s opinion, we keep our autonomy.
5. We maintain boundaries – I said we weren’t using consequences and punishments, but I didn’t say we were in a lawless jungle. We still won’t let our kids hit other children, throw grandmother’s china, or run into the street. There are always safety boundaries and we are the parents who confidently and compassionately hold the boundaries with our children.
6. Families feel connected – We feel connected not because members agree on everything, but because they understand each other deeply. When we regularly communicate with our feelings and needs, we have a profound understanding of each other which warms the heart and we feel connected.
7. Tremendous Trust – When children know they are not being manipulated by their parents, a fully trusting relationship develops. They know they will be safe to ask for advice, share a problem, or express their feelings. Parents, through lots of micro-discussions and individual experiences, have watched their children grow, understand their values (even if they don’t agree with them), problem solve, and make decisions. Through this multitude of shared experiences, they know they can trust their children.
8. Unconditional Love – We all want our children to feel loved “no matter what.” When we hold space for them without judgment, that is exactly what we are teaching. They know that whether they disagree with us or make a mistake, we will always be there to listen and help, but only if they want it.
The biggest reason most parents choose the Modern Parenting Mindset is that they find consequences just don’t work. It is a lot of effort and stress to figure out consequences, police the children, and then hold them accountable while they are rebelling. The whole system raises the stress level and angry emotions in a family.
When parents choose the Modern Parenting Mindset, they find the stress level of the entire family decreases. They experience a deep connection and a daily joy of being with their children.
Holly Storm is a parent of two lovely boys. She helps thoughtful parents communicate and connect with their children. Holly is a certified parent coach through the Jai Institute.